Contests

I love reader participation. So for five years I ran a humor contest at Advertising Age magazine asking readers to predict “The Next Trend” – the name of the next no-fat oil (“Frequent Fryer”), the next Cosmo coverline (“Decorate Your Apartment With Orgasms!”), the next serious children’s book (“Green Eggs and ‘Nam”).

Then, for another seven years, I ran “New York Stories,” a weekly contest at The New York Daily News that asked readers questions about their lives: “What proof do you have that your pet is a genius?” “What’s the strangest thing that ever happened to you when you got lost?” “What’s the stupidest way you ever hurt yourself?” (A guy holding a power drill suddenly felt an itch on his forehead.)

Some of the funniest contests are below. Feel free to add your own stories, too!

NEW YORK STORIES CONTEST# 170
Originally published in the New York Daily News

Meow! Woof! Glug!
In other words, we asked you to tell us what question you’d ask your pet if your pet could respond, and you didn’t even paws before replying:
Where did you live before you showed up on our doorstep?
Do you have any idea who I am?
Do you really feel for me when I’m sad, or do you just go around looking sweet and sympathetic all the time?
Do you dream about me?
Do you enjoy eating the furniture?
Why do you always miss the litter box?
What part of “No!” don’t you understand?
Is there anything else I can do for my darling-cutie-pie perfect pet?
Any besides more food, I mean?

FIRST PRIZE:
1) You see me naked every day. Do you think I’m fat?
2) When it’s 2 in the morning and you seem to be barking at nothing, are you trying to tell me Timmy is stuck in the well?
3) I get mad when you drink out of the toilet. Do you get mad when you see what I do in there?
– Vince Durham, The Bronx

SECOND PRIZE:
If it were possible to contact the dead, I’d like to ask my pet parrot, who, two months ago, suddenly and without any advance warning, went to that great birdcage in the sky “Hey, feller, if you were sick, why didn’t you say something?”
– Doris Dolphin, Brooklyn

THIRD PRIZE:
Here’s what I would ask my 12-pound Maine Coon cat, Gizmo: “If you were 12 times larger than me, instead of the other way around, would you bat me around the room like a mouse and try to eat me, or do you love me too much?” (I’m afraid I know the answer — this is a cat who lives to eat.)
– Lawrence Nagy, Peapack, NJ

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Do you have any ideas on improving race relations, health care, the economy or foreign affairs?
– Rhonda Bently, Brooklyn

How do you always trick us into believing that we never gave you dinner?
– Christine S., River Vale, N.J.

I own an auto shop in Brooklyn and I have a watchdog named Bart. The question would be “Bart? When burglars broke into the shop last summer, who were they? And why were you hiding under the desk?”
– Linda Kesner-Tussi, Brooklyn

What happened to 79% of last year’s Christmas ornaments?
–Margaret Donovan, Forest Hills

What do you bang on the mini-blinds at 4 a.m.?
– Becky Gebbia, Staten Island

I’d ask my mixed German Shepherd, Butch II “How come you love with such unconditional love, even when we once forgot to bring you inside when it was in the teens outside, even when you want to run free but usually we think it better to tie you up, even when there was that day you waited and waited, but supper never came?” And then I’d ask, “Can you teach me how?”
–Anna Ramirez, The Bronx

What is your real name?
–Ashford Mohammed, Manhattan

***

THE NEXT TREND
Originally published in Advertising Age

And now for the results of Contest #266:

As increasing numbers of eco-yups spend their vacations in search of singing whales, we figured that the whales would start to get wise. As with any native tribe invaded by tourists, the more entrepreneurial endomorphs will probably start sucking up their visitors. Preparing “rustic” shows for them. Singing the songs they know get the tips. As these clever mamals twist and spout, we asked readers to predict the next golden oldie to be crooned by a whale. The beach goes on with:

50 Ways to Leave Your Blubber, Jumpin’ Jack Splash, The Ballad of Billy the Squid. A Taste of Herring, The Fluke of Earl, Where the Buoys Are, Red Blubber Ball. The Squids Are All Right, I Get By With a Little Help From My Fins, Talking ‘Bout Mahi Mahi Generation, Oh My Baleen (Why Can’t You Be True?). Life in the Fish Lane, Tiptoe Through the Tuna, Spinning Eel, Mackerel the Knife, Wake Up Little Sushi, Gimme Shellfish, Age of Aquarium — and we’re hooked on:

First Prize: “Everybody must get boned.” Bill Denneen, Chicago.

Second Prize: “Whole Otter Love.” “Day Flipper.” “Return to Sandbar.” “Just an Old Fishin’ Love Song.” “Kissed with a Seal.” “I Shot the Shellfish.” And that old standard, “It’s Now or Nova.” Rich Appel, New York.

Third Prize: Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Foods.” Boston’s “More Than a Filet.” Bill Joel’s “Just The Whale You Are.” Kurt Rabin, Arlington, Va.

Honorable Intentions:

“That’s A Moray.” Bob Mattson, Smithtown, N.Y.

“Shamu-lama Ding Dong.” “Beached Baby.” “Splish-Splash I Was Tailin’ A Bass.” Marian Frendt, Kim Bornberg & Elisabeth Miley, Skokie, Ill.

“Clam on the Run.” “Dolphins are a Girl’s Best Friend.” “Do the Mussel.” Suzanne Rioux & Patty Reiley, Bala Cynwyd, Pa.

“Crystal Blue Cetacean.” “Be True to Your School.” Carol Hladik, Evanston, Ill.

“Red Snappers for a Blue Lady.” “You’ve Lost that Lobster Feeling.” “One, Singular Crustacean.” Mason Resnick & Phyllis Hall, New York.

“Don’t Be Krill.” “The Yellow Roe of Texas.” “To Sir, With Glub.” Jonathan F. King, San Francisco.

“Moby I’m Amazed.” M. Lauren Basham, Alexandria, Va.

“Moby, Don’t Be A Hero.” Lucille Galli, Bay Shore, N.Y.

“Rikki Don’t Lose that Blubber.” “Saturday Night’s All Right for Fishin’.” Keith McDade, Haddonfield, N.J.

“Mussel in a Bottle.” The Beatles’ “Get Bass.” And the classic, “Stairway to Herring.” John J. Cidulka, Bloomington, Ind.

Oreo Cookies make you totally ill, might as well face it you’re “Addicted to Krill.” Lea Schoenwetter, Phoenix.

“Blubbery Hill.” Marian Vitale, New York.

“Inacoddadavita.” Amanda Stuart, Van Nuys, Calif.

“Wake Me Up Before You Coho.” Jolene Call, Madison, Wisc.

“Smoked Fish Gets In Your Eyes.” Erica Harel, Tel Aviv.

“(Do You Love Me) Surfer Gill?” Karen Ries, Glostrup, Denmark.

“Harpooned on a Feeling.” Caroline Fee & Victor DePalo, East Hanover, N.J.

“I’ve Got You Under My Fins.” “Spawned to be Wild.” And, from Johnny Cash, “I Walk the Brine.” Michael Caruso, Glenview, Ill.

Originally published in The New York Daily News
And now for the results of Contest #67:

We were fishing for the strangest compliments you’d ever received and you reeled us in with sweet nothings like: “What a pretty ring — I LOVE tiny diamonds.” “A receding hairline looks nice on you.” “You are not a beautiful woman, you are elegant.” “Your oldest girl looks like you, but the younger one is an attractive kid.” “That dress goes perfectly with your grey hair!” “You look wonderful in the dark.” “You may look scrawny, but you sure can hit.” “I can’t believe you have such adorable children!” And perhaps loveliest of all: “You look just like that actress who drowned.”

FIRST PRIZE:
As I was serving lunch to my girlfriend’s 3-year-old, Peter, he was staring at me. When I asked if there was anything wrong he replied, “Oh Eleanor, you have the most beautifulest brown eyes I ever did saw.” I beamed with delight and batted my lashes. “Yep,” he continued, “they look just like a cow’s.”
Eleanor McGinn Hart, Bayonne, N.J.

SECOND PRIZE:
While my husband and I were enjoying soft lights, good food and jazz one night, I noticed a man staring at me for 15 minutes straight. Perhaps I was looking particularly good? When my husband paid a visit to the men’s room, the gentleman came over and said, “I know you noticed me staring and I must apologize, but that is the nicest shade of lipstick I’ve ever seen. Do you think it will go with my complexion?” I was so stunned, I gave it to him. The shade did look nice with his complexion.
Cherylann J. Simon, Brooklyn, N.Y.

THIRD PRIZE:
Met an aunt I hadn’t seen in years: “Hey Joey! Ya look good! What happened?”
Joe Yannello, Brooklyn.

HONORABLE INTENTIONS:

In 1972 I was dressed to impress Bob on our first date, mini-skirt and all. Before heading into the disco he took a good look at me and said, “Wow! You look fantastic, but please wipe that boogie from your nose!” I knew right then and there I’d marry the man.
Priscilla Andrews, N. Massapequa, N.Y.

Originally published in The New York Daily News
AND NOW FOR THE RESULTS OF CONTEST #56:

Brrrr! We asked you to tell us the family story that still sends shivers down your spine and you sent in entries that could spook Rod Serling. Most (scary music, please) involved the dead. Some goners stopped by your dreams the night they died, some warned of an impending disaster, and at least one telephoned to say all was hunky-dory.

Jack Tetro is alive and well, even though his mother woke up one night screaming, “An eagle has Jack! He’s going to drop him from the sky.” Turns out that pretty much at that very moment, Jack was dangling from a ski lift in Switzerland. He managed to hang on with one arm and lived to dub his mom a witch.

Hear that, kids? Mom knows that you’re up to! Read on (if you dare):

FIRST PRIZE:
My son, Louis, and his cousin, Vinnie, were born days apart. From day one they seemed uncommonly in synch, almost like twins. One day, barely old enough to talk, Louis pointed to a picture of a brownstone in a magazine and stated, “That’s where Vinnie and I used to live.”
Rose Maconi, Bronx

SECOND PRIZE
My cousin died before her sister was born. When the younger cousin was about 5, she was asleep when she saw her dead sister calling her to play on the floor. She climbed out of bed to play and the ceiling over her bed caved in. Had she still been asleep, she would have been crushed.
Jeanette Daglia, North Bergen, N.J.

THIRD PRIZE
When I was 10, my mother, aunt, brother and I went to New York harbor to see my uncle off. He was leaving on a one-way voyage to Europe. The passengers were throwing coins off the ship to insure good luck on their trip. A dime landed by my foot. I picked it up and told my mother I’d taken the luck off the ship, and it would sink on the way back.
That ship was the Andrea Doria.
David Nasof, Aberdeen, N.J.

AND NOW FOR THE RESULTS OF CONTEST #14:

We asked you to tell us about the most romantic — yet slightly odd — thing your honey ever sprang on you and we had no idea this tough town was teeming with such sentimental softies! Sweeties like Sabrina Garrett’s old beau who gave her MOTHER a long stemmed rose for having her. Tess Costa’s chicken farm fiance who wrote, “Will you marry me?” on 30 dozen eggs. And Mary McShane’s young man who proved she was not just another “notch on his belt,” by gift-wrapping a notched belt and giving it to her for safekeeping!

Many were the women who got surprise engagement rings YEARS after they’d been married. Ruth Forier, for instance, was enjoying her 25th anniversary party when her husband mixed her a Manhattan and mentioned it would be the most expensive drink she’d ever have. “My daughter let out a scream, took the ice cubes from the glass and melted them under hot water. You guessed it.” One rock contained a rock that would not melt.

Hearts, as it turns out, melt far more easily. All it takes is maybe some roses or (for the budget minded) writing “I love you” in the steam on the bathroom mirror. The message shows up the next time someone takes a shower and, from all accounts, seems to work wonders at precisely the moment one’s love bunny is least bundled up.

FIRST PRIZE:
Before my husband and I were married he bought me a beautiful silver chain belt from his army tour in Indonesia. I was a young girl and proud of my 21-inch waist. We are now married over 25 years and the belt still fits. Every few years my husband sneaks a new link into the belt and denies he did it.
Cathy Godshall, Scarsdale, N.Y.

SECOND PRIZE:
My boyfriend told me we had a 9:30 appointment with our attorney down on Chambers Street for business reasons. We arrived a little late so my boyfriend called to change the appointment, and he said the lawyer wanted to meet us at 1 Centre Street. We proceeded to the second floor where I followed my boyfriend down the hallway, to the left, and right into the marriage license bureau! I was dumbfounded. He got the application and we sat for the interview. To my dismay I had no I.D. other than my New Jersey bus pass. I explained to the interviewer that I didn’t know I was coming here and she thought this situation was so unique, she accepted the pass as I.D. We then walked over to 60 Centre Street and had the 24 hour waiting period waived. Upon arriving back at 1 Centre Street, who should be standing there but my family and his! We proceeded into the chapel and were pronounced man and wife Nov. 29, 1991.
Wonda E. Davis, Newark, N.J.


THIRD PRIZE:
Back in 1948 my girl – later my wife — Rhona (R.I.P.), went to help her sick aunt outside Belfast. We took a bus to the end of the line and had to walk another five miles to her aunt’s house. I swear I didn’t have a penny in my pocket. We got to the house, said our goodbyes and I thought to myself, “I have a 10 mile walk home.” After I’d gone two or three miles I put my hands into my raincoat and discovered half a crown — about 50 cents! Well when I got to the city limits I was able to take a bus home. That little thing made me love her even more, for she’d put that money in my pocket.
Bill Stewart, The Bronx

HONORABLE INTENTIONS:

Several years ago I had a three-legged cat and an equally odd boyfriend. One birthday I eagerly tore open the present he gave me, only to find that instead of the gold bracelet I’d hoped for, the box contained a feline prosthesis — a homemade pegleg for the cat. When Christmas arrived, so did the bracelet, but it couldn’t hold a candle to the foot.
Margaret Messacapo. Huntington Station, N.Y.

He is Irish. I am German. He doesn’t speak one word of my language. But one evening he surprised me by singing my favorite song — “Du, Du Liegst Mir Im Herzen” — in perfect German. He’d practiced with the record player.
Erna Mieser, Middle Village

Come Thanksgiving I am addicted to the Weather Channel, fervently hoping for signs of snow. This year I was very disappointed we would not have a White Christmas. However, on Christmas night, my honey took me out on the terrace to give me one of my gifts. Suddenly I found myself in the middle of a snow storm. Monte had cleaned out the inside of a hole puncher and was showering me with those little white holes! Knowing how much it meant to me, he gave me my white Christmas.
Margaret Balles, Glendale, N.Y.

Recently divorced I hesitatingly attended a party and spent time talking to one gentleman during the evening. Afterwards, some of us, including the gentleman, went out for a late snack. He held my hand as he escorted me to the table, and as we were seated. While everyone talked and ordered, he continued to hold my hand. When the food arrived, he proceeded to eat with one hand! I found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything around me, except to wonder how much longer he would hold my hand. I didn’t know what I was saying or eating that night, but I did suspect something wonderful was happening, and I was right. I married the gentleman, and that was 11 years ago.
Sheila Calandrino, Staten Island