This week’s column, courtesy of Creators Syndicate.
THE YEAR IN CHRISTMAS CAROLS
by LENORE SKENAZY
TACO BELL ROCK
To “Jingle Bell Rock”
Taco Bell, Taco Bell, Taco Bell rock
Eat a burrito, dial your doc
Scarier there than it is in Iraq
Hope you don’t own the,
Hope you don’t own the,
Hope you don’t own the stock!
THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH CAROL
To “Let It Snow”
Oh the weather outside warming
And consensus, it is forming
It’s time for Al Gore’s refrain:
Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!
The polar ice caps are shrinking
And the polar bears are sinking
It’s 80 degrees in Maine
Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!
When it finally gets too hot
The oceans will sweep us away
But if you say that they will not –
There’s work in the Bush EPA!
Though the glaciers are getting goopy
And the tundra’s chicken soupy
In my Hummer I can’t complain:
Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!
THE APOCALYPTO CHRISTMAS SONG
To “The Christmas Song”
Live hearts being ripped from open chests
Mayan corpses start to smell
Heads will roll, why not use them to bowl?
It’s Christmas, brought to you by Mel.
Everybody knows Mel Gibson had a rocky year
‘Specially when he hit the booze
Still he’s offering these words of good cheer:
“Don’t blame me, blame the Jews.”
OH, KFC (THE TRANSFAT SONG)
To “Oh Christmas Tree”
Oh KFC, oh KFC
How trans-fat free your chicken!
You saw that you
Filled veins with glue
And watched as hearts stopped tickin’.
But now that you’re a healthy franch
Your customers don’t buy the ranch
Oh KFC, oh KFC,
We’re likin’ what we’re lickin’.
THE LITTLE RUMSFELD BOY
To “The Little Drummer Boy”
“Come,” George told me, “Ol’ Rummy Pum Pum.”
That was his name for me, “Ol’ Rummy Pum Pum.”
My finest work I did for that crummy bum
What an ungrateful kid, wish he’d never won!
Dumb as they come, dumber than dumb. (Dum, dum, dum.)
But to honor him, ol’ Rummy Pum Pum
Cut and run.
FELIZ THIS! or A CAROL FOR THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN
To “Feliz Navidad”
Ah-mad-in-e-jad. Ah-mad-in-e-jad. That man from Iran is out to plan his own jihad.
I wanna wish him a rotten Christmas.
And if he shoots nukes, I hope he misses
I’d like to see him sleep with the fishes
At the bottom of the Gulf.
SILENT NIGHT, FOLEY NIGHT
To “Silent Night”
Silent night, Foley night
With one hand, watch him type
“R U spanking it?” he asks a boy
“Holy landslide!” the Dems squeal with joy.
He just wanted a piece.
He just wanted a piece.
TOM CRUISE’S CAROL FOR THE PAPARAZZI
To “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
I’ll wed Holmes by Christmas
You can count on me
Then folks will say,
“He is not gay
He’s straight as straight can be.”
Christmas Eve will find me
Oh so heter-o
I’ll be straight by Christmas
As far as you will know.
OH COME, OH RAHM EMMANUEL
Oh come, oh Rahm Emmanuel
You unrepentant liberal
Who gave the left a cause to cheer
‘Til John McCain should reappear
Rejoice Rahm Emmanuel
Who’s come to rule the capitol.
RUDOLPH THE BROWN-NOSE REINDEER
(THE LAID-OFF EMPLOYEE REVENGE SONG)
To “Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer”
Rudolph the brown-nose reindeer
Was the other reindeers’ boss
Santa gave him a mansion
The others slept outside on moss.
All of the other reindeer
Couldn’t help but feel upset,
After he outsourced Donner,
And bought himself a new Corvette
Then one shocking Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
Rudolph with your brain so bright,
Cut my costs by half tonight.
Then all the loyal reindeer
Lost their homes and cried, “Aieee!”
Christmas day found ol’ Rudolph
Stuffed inside a chimney
Stuffed inside a chim-in-ey!
Lenore@lenoretown.com
Great content:)
Yay! I can finally view the vids!
I love the apocalypto song… and how the singer just kind of cringes afterwards:)
Love this stuff!
PS: I had Wheat Thins last night, and thought of your post:)